I have been writing, however. I have been taking notes, journalling and cataloguing my life and all that God has been saying to me directly and through others.

I now am confident that I am entering from this last wideopen space that I have been in since moving back to the US (and particuarly since being in Tennessee) into a time of transition. This time not of the location of my body or the work of my hands....but a transition of my heart.  

The pressure is building. And the momentum is into His Heart.  

I am so Thankful that I know how to hear His voice and that I can recognize His goodness, because this place is definitely not comfortable.  I am thankful for those around me, my mentors, friends, roommate, and bosses because they are showing me grace and loving me through what might be one of the toughest places I have been to date.  I don't say that lightly. I would definitley say that the three weeks before my dad died were the most emotional and difficult weeks of my life....but in that time, I mostly just survived. I made decisions that needed to be made and tried to be with my father, all the while knowing in my heart that he was leaving earth.

Now, I am in a similar spot. Where I am living in today, but I know in my heart that things are changing drastically in the parallel space of heaven.  I can feel and I even sometimes am seeing that there is a lot going on in the heaven around me. I am so thankful that I can dialogue with the Lord and ask about what I am to do during this time. I keep hearing the simple but difficult instructions of : Repent and Rest, Be Quiet and Trust....and then...just Stand.  My personality is one of doing, moving, accomplishing and what are my directions from my heavenly father? How do I make things right in my world? 

Repent- every day my heart decieves me and I look towards other paths.  Meaning I feel something and in order to deal with the feeling many times my first inclination is to talk about it, or avoid it, or fight it....but the Lord says that I am to REPENT. Or TURN BACK to HIM each time I turn (even a quarter of an inch) away from HIS FACE.

Rest- I have learned in the last few weeks that this is not only methaphorical and a spiritual/mental state...but it is literal. I simply need REST. I need sleep and I need to put my heart at PEACE and KNOW that HE IS GOD. Rest is not the absence of action, it is the presence of peace and stillness in the midst of action.

Be Quiet- this has been hard for me. I like to talk and process...and so I have. But today, I went through some heart murmers and I didn't process with people. I was around people most of the day, but I chose to be quiet...and you know what? It worked. My heart found peace and He was all I needed today.

Trust- This is the most amazing word. I am blown away by trust. It is simply more than we could ever imagine, I mean the layers of trust that exist in the world and between this world and the next are crazy. So.. I am to trust... of course GOD, but also, myself and those around me. In the grand scheme of things, I trust God. I trust that He knows me. He knows my heart and His plans are good. But I also need to trust me. Trust that I have done all that I can do, that I do hear His still small voice, and that I am -regardless of how I feel at times- on the right track IN THE RIGHT TIME.

And when I come to the end of my list of actions for the day and I think...

What do I do now? How do I live fully in today and remain expectant of tomorrow?

I hear.... "having done all of this, STAND"....

and so I shall, I stand on the promises of my Father. I stand on what I know...that HE is Good and He has got my heart in His hand.

helps provide meaning to experience and understanding to knowledge; it is a fundamental faculty through which people make sense of the world, and it also plays a key role in the learning process.

When I was 8 years old my family went to Disney World for the first time and my favorite memory is of this dragon, Figment of "my" imagination. He was so fun...he brought color and music and adventure and I remember getting a stuffed on while we where there...so I KNEW he was cudly too.

So,  I was talking to my roommate and a friend after church last night and I was explaining about my newest revelations about imagination and the breakthrough that I have been getting and I thought about this guy...and when I said FIGMENT outloud, my roommate said " Are you thinking about the dragon too?". Such a small thing, but that Michelle and I would think about Figment at the same time, told me that it was a God implanted thought with heavenly purpose.

You see my roommate is just a lovely person, but the number one thing that living with her has taught me is that Childlike-ness is the path to increased intimacy with the Lord.  I have read it in scripture:

³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3-4

but I am not sure that I really understood what Jesus was saying.  As I have been desiring more of the Kingdom of God, I have begun to spend unparallelled time with not only my Father, but the Lover of my Soul. And so, I have pondered what it means to "change and become like a child"?

It is true that it is a place of complete trust, rest, and confidence in the goodness and Love of my Father...but it is also about being FREE to DREAM. I can only dream if I can imagine and I can only imagine if I am not afraid of what might become of those imaginations.

How important is it to guard our eyes and ears? It is important because they effect our imaginations and this is where we can make sense of the world...or even better...if you add heaven in there- "make sense of the heavenly world". So, God has forgiven me for not taking better care of my eyes and ears over the years... and has been healing my "mind's eye" so that  I can be FREE to experience heaven.

I am not sure who said it, but I love this quote-  "I am a SPIRIT and I LIVE in a BODY".

So why wouldn't I LIVE in Heaven and VISIT earth? I think that is what it really means to live a Supernatural Life and I am ready for far more.

When I was having a SOZO last week....I saw myself in a familiar memory and I was with my dad at the age of 10. In this memory he was trying to help me with my homework. He wasn't able to and I was disappointed. I saw myself decide then that my dad could no longer help me with decisions and I thought I had to take over control of my life. I have had ministry in this area before, but this time particular focus was on my outfit. I was wearing a shorts outfit that matched and on the shirt was a unicorn.  The unicorn was highlighted to me and when I asked Jesus about it all....he told me that I had "exchanged my Imagination for Worry"....I repented, forgave, and broke agreement with that and took back the imagination.

I can't explain it but something broke inside of me and a deeper level of healing and trust was released.  I am even more excited as I learn more and more about the significance of unicorns and with this most recent memory of FIGMENT....

I guess I am just walking out scripture and am "changing and becoming like a child" and i am both excited, expectant...and a litle uncertain (to be honest).

Here is to deeper levels of intimacy and heavenly living for me and for all who desire it!

MORE LORD!

Some people have told me that I am too concerned with age. I don't think it is a bad thing to use age as a reference point to help process life, as long as you don't determine that certain things are possible or impossible based on it.

Let's just get it out there... I am 36. So, if you are a man who met me at a church, or on my travels, or are a friend of a friend and are stalking me because I am so amazing, I don't want you to have to dig or do "higher math" to figure it out. I am not lying...seriously, I am 36.  Even as I type it, I can't believe it. I shake my head because I look at that number and I think...wow- in so many ways I don't feel much older than 26. Well, until I go on a 4.5 mile hike and am stiff and sore for two days....or I watch my younger friends and think....I definitely think differently.

I heard someone say recently that you don't really know who you are or what your destiny fully is until you are in your 40's. He was in his 50's.  I will attest to the fact that I am just now starting to GET what I was put on this earth for....and some of it is still "not yet"... the difference between now and my twenties is that now I am ENJOYING life and not trying to FAST FORWARD it.

For example, I am the administrator of a school. I don't want to be the administrator of a school for the rest of my life, but I am enjoying it right now.   I want to counsel, mentor, teach, encourage, prophesy and give other people great ideas to implement. I want to WRITE. Oh...and I always want to be a clown...and a wife...and a mom. Not that being a wife and a mom is like being a clown...but I digress.

My point is that I am growing and learning and most importantly LIVING right now. I love the question- "How are things going?" because for the first time I feel like my answer is... GREAT. I mean, I even hit a deer the other day and had a minor melt down, but God is sooo teaching me that HE has this. He is my husband right now and he is going to help me fix this car. I don't have to worry about it. Since I accepted that...I have received $240 and a tip on a mechanic... good start I would say.

I am also growing in my ability to lead others. I see them. I hear them. I love them and for the first time, I am not afraid that they are going to "ruin" the Jenga puzzle of my life. Let me explain- I think that most of my life I was building this puzzle  (have you played Jenga?) and everything was connected. The part that was scary was that when people came into my life and I was "responsible" for them and their actions affected me....I felt like at any moment they were going to pull out the WRONG piece or just slightly move wrong and everything would come tumbling down. So, I would tense up when they made a mistake and then sometimes just fly of the handle or shame them....in a word- CONTROL. Sad, I know. But let's be honest, isn't that why leaders often deal with CONTROL?  I heard Danny Silk say one time that, when you hurt or scare me, I want to CONTROL you...because I just want you to STOP what you are doing that hurts or scares me. Now that I not only see this, but am also not being led this way (for most of my life I have felt like my leaders have treated me the very same way), I am changing and finding healing. God is so good and I am so amazed at the daily opportunities and change.

I am excited for 2012.....so excited in fact that I think I need to spend some time journalling about it and writing about it here... 

"The western church has lagged behind experiencing the power of the Kingdom of God compared to other parts of the world, primarily because we have accepted a worldview called naturalism. We have a tendancy to believe that the natural world really is all there is, that God heals only through medicine, that spirits are multiple personality problems and things like that. "

I had to listen to this multiple times because there was an immediate, "ah ha" in my spirit. I knew that he is right....not just for the "western church" but for people like me.  I finally understand what I have been fighting since first being taught that Father God is a good Father who wants to HEAL everyone...all the Time. It wasn't that I disbelieved...it was that this new "information" was laid on a faulty foundational belief that was not only ingrained in me, but a very real part of my culture.

I had to know more about Naturalism....

 **********************************************

Religion

a. the doctrine that all religious truth is derived from astudy of natural  processes and not from revelation.

b.  the doctrine that natural religion  is sufficient for salvation.

***********************************************

It seems like the philosophy of Naturalism is completely at odds with the basic tenets of Christianity. That to believe in naturalism, I can believe in a nice historic carpenter named Jesus, but not in the Son of God. I can't even believe in God really because He is clearly super (above) natural. So, how can a person both believe in God and Jesus (the cross, salvation) and still believe that all things can be explained by science or what is seen or natural??

Isn't that what we say when we say we believe that Christ died on the Cross, but we don't believe He wants to/can heal? What about phenomena? 

I need God to root out naturalism from me. I have come to know and believe that God is SUPERNATURAL and that I am called to live a SUPER (ABOVE) NATURAL Life.... complete with supernatural love and power to see that Love impact ME and the WORLD around me.

"Father, would you change my foundational beliefs...the routes in my brain that are stuck in Naturalism?"

This prayer is is why I am pursuing steping out and taking risk even when I still have unbelief, because it isn't that I don't BELIEVE the truth, it is that it needs to sink down and strangle the foundation that says "only what I see and can measure is real".... 

This realization brings so much freedom and it seems so much more managable to say that I have been raised in a culture that has taught me to believe only in the natural world....and now I am stepping into the supernatural and I need help with that shift...I am not faulty or in sin...I just need my worldview revamped.

WOW! Jesus can do that...change my world..

it's His speciality.

What about you, what do you want?

Anyway, something that I have seen over and over again is people that are in the wrong lane to go the direction they want to go.  This area is called 5 points, because there are five major roads that intersect here. In order to go the direction that you want to go you have:

• Know where you are going
• Understand the Signs
• Get in the correct lane BEFORE the intersection

So many times, people were in the wrong lane at the light and held up those behind them. Needless to say the other cars weren't excited about this and showed it in the excited honking of horns and even some not so nice words.

It just made me think that in order to get to where God is taking me...my DESTINY then I need to be in the correct lane... and so, I need to know where I am going, understand the signs and get in the lane before I get to the intersection.

Today I read through my electronic journal from the last few months. I was so encouraged.  I wrote some specific things that God said to me and recently those words have showed up in prophetic words.  Wow...now that is encouraging.  He is speaking more about my NOW future...the not so far away future.

So...I believe I know my destination and God is teaching me more than I could ever imagine about reading the signs (prophecy, dreams, HS,). All of that means that I have more hope that I am getting in the correct lane and I will be there before the next intersection.

Do you know where you are headed?

Can you read the signs?

Are you getting in the correct lane?

When I need to know what love is, I go to the most comprehensive definition and guide I know...1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ^7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

No where in this definition or anywhere I can find in the Bible, does God tell me that for me to love someone, I have to agree with them. So why does that seem to be the primary belief? I heard part of a sermon today by Kris Vallaton and he was talking about this.. it struck me, because I have spent most of my life looking for agreement.

So what is agreement, anyway?

" a state by which several parties share a view or opinion. The state of not contradicting one another."

We build christian community around agreement, I think.  This is what Kris was saying about denominational-ism.  I am not sure that it a bad thing, except that through years of cultural adaptation we have come to believe that agreement is required to have relationship...to express love.

This foundational belief system has a problem...it isn't the heart of God, nor is it how Jesus walked on the earth. Who did Jesus hang out with...the men who followed him, yes....but he also spent time with sinners.

Let's go deeper. The bible says that God so loved the world- does the whole world agree with God? Did it ever? No. Yet, he loves.

Am I saying that I need to change my foundational beliefs, my values so that I can be accepted by people? No. Not at all. But I shouldn't expect them to change to be accepted by me either.

I want to learn how to love someone while disagreeing with them....not changing who I am, but not expecting them to change for me either. Not with a hidden agenda, but simply because.

The best example I can think of is my brother, Jim.  I love him. He is an amazing man, who is kind, smart, funny and I believe he considers himself agnostic. So, needless to say that since I surrendered my heart to Jesus over 24 years ago...we don't really agree on God. I wish I could say that I have shown my brother love all of these years, but the truth is, it took me about 11 years. See, when I was 12, I thought that I couldn't really love my brother until he agreed with me about God. I presented my case, and he didn't agree. So, I walked way and missed out on 11 years of relationship. Finally, when I was about 23...God intervenned and we started a new relationship over mexican food, and alcohol. That was 13 years ago...we still don't agree...but we are closer than we have ever been.  My love for my brother is not dependant on whether he agrees with me....but his opinions haven't changed my value system either.

I want to be able to say this about the world. I don't want to be a used car salesman with my Jesus...He is worth so much more than that.  

So....If Love is NOT agreement...what is it? 

It was as if the word- Diagnosis was made out of huge Blow up letters like the ones my teacher used to teach us the alphabet when I was in kindergarten. It was huge in my head. I kept asking the Lord, what is it? I wracked my concious mind for a definition that was different than just the explaination of a medical condition. I thought of the word in parts- Diag- diagonal? osis? Greek for umm...not sure.

Then right there in the middle of prayer I got my Macbook out and googled it...the first definition that popped up?

 Discernment.

So the funny thing about this is that I would say that I have a very strong gift of discernment.  I have spent much of my life learning how to deal with what I see and feel in situations...mostly through trial and error.  I remember as a young Christian I would just act on what I saw or felt because I thought it was widely understood.  This has also made me very sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere, which I didn't know until I went with a friend to Deep Elum in Dallas and hung out with vampires so we could minister to them. I was so over stimulated in my spirit, I almost didn't know what to do.

Is it any wonder that I spent EIGHT YEARS pursuing a career in medicine? However, tt seems like there are more ways than one to be a part of helping with a Diagnosis, since I seem to use it often in my current line of work (ministry).  There is alot to unpack in this one word, and I haven't even scratched the surface, but I wanted to share.

So...diagnosis is discernment....the Greek language is simply facinating!

It is crazy for me to think that in 1993 when I went off to college fully ready to take on the world, grow in Christian community, and dig into the person of the Holy Spirit....Mike Bickle was writing a book that would not only "save" my life, but help ignite a desire in my heart for a deeper level of intimacy than I had ever known with Jesus.

Five years later, in the fall of 1998- I was 23 years old and tremendously tormented in my spirit.  I remember that I drove a lot that fall...the only place I felt in control, was behind the wheel of my car. It was a great car- a Red 1997 Pathfinder (5 speed)...but it was a literal escape for me. I had just sustained the biggest disapointment of my life by not getting a job at the only ministry I knew of at the time, Teen Mania.  I was "rejected" again and I was struggling internally with demons that I didn't understand and actually just thought it was a part of who I was. I use the word tormented because I was...I struggled to stay afloat...to hear the truth,  to believe that Jesus loved me and had my best in mind. It was a constant battle...and very tiring.

It was during this time that I went to a youth conference called Rock the Nations. To be clear, I am not really a huge fan of conferences...I know that there is a place for them and in this instance I can see how God started something in me, but sometimes they seem to be a way to mask true relationship.  Anyway,  I couldn't stay in the sessions long because I was so oppressed by demons that I was agitated all the time-  I was depressed, lonely, and felt completley misunderstood by everyone around me. Not a pretty picture. I had left a session and went for a drive on some East Texas back roads...driving fast and wreckless (thank you for protecting me, God) all the while crying like someone had died. Finally I convinced myself to go back to the conference,  regardless of how I was feeling...I asserted my will over my emotions (not a common experience for me back then). When I walked in, I went to the product tables and just looked at what was there, mainly because I wasn't ready to go into the auditorium.

This book caught my eye and I literally thought- "YES! Please show me the 10 easy steps to have MORE passion for Jesus". See, I was still working really hard to understand love and to be loved. I had failed miserablly in college to flee sin and while I had definitely had moments of Peace and God had showed me His love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy- I was still working FOR LOVE instead of OUT of LOVE.

When I read this book- Jesus began to pursue my heart. The thing I remember the most from this book was that for the first time I realized that HIS HEART WAS RAVISHED FOR ME. That word, RAVISHED began to completely change my world...one day at a time.

Did I experience intimacy like He fully intended? No...I don't think so. I was able to give Him all of my heart that I possessed at the time. There was so much that was still unclaimed by me...so much hurt, so many Ungodly Beliefs, soo soo many lies... but I gave what I could and He loved me perfectly, gently, and fully.

 I have wondered for years why I wasn't married yet.  Honestly, I know I am amazing (it has taken a while, but this has been a fairly solid conviction for many years)...but I think I got more revelation on WHY God has allowed me to remain single. Not that I am called to singleness forever, but He is jealous for me. He wants a deeper intimacy with me and it isn't that I can't have that when I am married, but I think there is a season where I get to experience it BEFORE I get married. A time when HE can be my focus and now that I have been on a healing journey for  almost 10 years, I have more of my heart that I can give...and He is eager to possess it all.  

I also don't think that this is only for my relationship with Jesus...but also for my future husband.  As I learn to allow Jesus to romance me. To love me deeper. To protect me. To honor me. To adore me. My heart is being prepared, like Esther's time of preparation....His love is like the salve I need to prepare my heart for the beauty of earthly oneness.

So, last Monday night at emanate. I said, YES to the marriage proposal that Jesus made to me 13 years ago. He has pursued my heart for so long and while I have given Him cursorary glances...I have not looked longingly in His eyes and gotten lost in His beauty and I haven't received the fullness of His love for me either. I am now getting lost...and it is amazing.

No matter where you are in life...He wants to pursue your heart deeper too...

Will you say YES to a deeper level of intimacy? 

All of my growing up years I knew I was a leader. If I wasn't sure, it was confirmed my junior year of school by my band instructor. I am sure you probably think, yeah...he was encouraging..giving you place and opportunity to lead. Maybe you even think I was the drum major, interning in music leadership...Nope, that wasn't it at all.

The way it was confirmed to me that I was a leader was by getting detention. Yep, I got detention (more than once, I am afriad).  As I remember it (which can be flawed..), I walked into class one day to accusations of something I had ZERO knowledge of. When I denied any knowledge of the situation, I was called a lier and in the heat of the moment, I chose to do the only thing I knew to do...curl up in a ball and roll on the floor crying about injustice.  Nah, just kidding.

I actually just left. When I got to the door my instructor told me if I left he would write me up and I should just go straight to the Dean. So I did. Later that afternoon (after washing tables in the cafeteria), I stopped by my band director's office and asked him why he hated me so much. As I sat there, I saw a scripture on his wall and was even more confused (I had been a Christian for a few years).

He apologized for how he treated me and then he proceeded to tell me how the previous director had WARNED him about me. He told him that if I was on his side the band would be on his side, but if I wasn't, the band wouldn't be. Wow.  I was confused. I was just being me..I had no idea. He then encouraged me that I was a leader and I had a choice.... I would either lead people in the right direction or the wrong direction...but no matter what...I would be leading. I didn't want to lead...I didn't WANT the RESPONSIBILTIY of others.  it doesn't matter...if people are following...you are leading.

So, do you think I took that word and lead my band to the Lord. If you do, you think more highly of me than you aught.  I didn't. In fact, I ran from leadership positions for YEARS. In fact, I always wanted to be involved in leadership while trying to avoid reponsibility. I didn't want to let people down. I didn't have the ABILITY to RESPOND to the situations around me with GRACE, and PATIENCE...or sometimes at all.

So what changed?

I am sure it wasn't just one event that increased my ability to respond, but several small decisions that continued to add up to build this into my character.  The thing that I remember the most clearly was the first time that I WLLINGLY received and followed godly counsel that was contrary to what I wanted or felt like doing.  The situation was that I was given the opportunity to lead a mission trip to Botswana for 2 months FOR FREE- that's right..no money to raise, nada...nothing.....and I turned it down.  I actually was ready to say YES and had already planned on quiting my job and just coming back and getting a new one. My mentor waited until the appropriate time and she told me that she really didn't feel like it was the right decision for me to go...that in fact STAYING was what seemed to be the right path at the moment.  When she said that, my legs wanted to run, my mind wanted to reject the proposal and my mouth wanted to scream....instead I just cried.  I knew in my heart she was right, but I REALLY WANTED TO GO. It WAS missions afterall...how could God say NO and still be a good Father?  

Although I stayed and obeyed...it wasn't pretty.  I was really upset and it took me years to appreciate what that one decision had done for my life.  I know that this one decision set my feet firmly on the path of learning responsibility. This lesson hurt...for YEARS, but now I can look back fondly and snicker a little. This was when my ability to respond to circumstances around me began and continues to increase.  

It is so true that if we are "faithful in the little, He will make us rulers over much".  

Even Responsibility

To me this seems to be the two essential beginning places of good soil. Oh sure, you need a lot of other things in there and the added nutrients aid in growth...not to mention you can't just have soil to grow- you need WATER and LIGHT.  But all the water and all the light in the world will do nothing if your seed is not planted.

It seems silly to think of, but if we took a seed and put it in soil for a Sunday, watered it and gave it good light....and then dug it up on Monday and moved it all around and then put it back on Sunday... we would KILL the seed. However, people do this with their lives. Sometimes not so dramatic...sometimes they wait weeks or months...still the seedling is too fragile to be "transplanted" to different soil.

Clearly I am not saying get in a church and stay there until the pastor preaches your funeral....no matter what. I mean, let's not get legalistic about this. What I am saying is, that because my heart has always desired to be planted in authentic community, to know and be known I have grown and have always quickly found a community no matter where I have moved.

Seriously, the only time I struggled with this was when I was on the mission field...and that is another story altogether. I hear friends however who consistently "can't find" the right church...here in America- home to "a church on every corner". I don't say that with judgment...I say it with sorrow because I know the LIFE that I have found in community.

Has it been hard? Yes.  

Have I wanted to leave churches because of offense? Yes. 

However, family is hard. I have wanted to sell mine before and get a new one...it doesn't work that way. After 24 years of being a believer I love my natural family (most of whom would not consider themselves believers) more than I ever have. I even miss them when I don't see them for a while. Wha? That is pivotal for me.

My Christian community is the same way. I am so excited to be in a place of good soil. I place where I can grow.

Is it going to be hard at times? I am sure it is.

Will there be times that I want to leave? Probably. But I won't....because this is how we do life. Together.

So, if you are hopping around all over, please hear me with all the love in my voice say, 

"Get planted somewhere in good (full of the spirit and full of life) soil

and

stay there"